vineri, 31 iulie 2009

O suta de milioane

“Are cineva sa-mi schimbe doua de 500?” – intreba pe toata lumea superba asistenta a prietenei mele. Fiind cu spatele la ea, intins pe scaunul acela complicat din mijlocul oricarui cabinet de stomatologie, dar si cu niscaiva chestii prin gura mea, nu puteam sa-i raspund. Asa ca m-am limitat la incercarea de a intelege despre ce vorbea. Imi zic: “Moama, da’ ce preturi au astia de schimba nu una, ci doua hartii de 500 de lei deodata?”

Ca si cum mi-ar fi citit celelalte ganduri, superba asistenta se apropie de mine, cu coapsa foarte aproape de fata mea. Cat s-o pot vedea dintr-un unghi excelent, de jos in sus, unghi din care... In sfarsit! Asta era doar in capul meu: ea de fapt se apropiase de prietena mea doctor stomatolog sa obtina un “da” sau un “nu” cu privire la schimbarea bancnotelor.

Fara sa vreau, vad banii din mana ei si raman surprins: era doar o bancnota de 100 lei. Si dau “rev-rev-rev” banda inapoi sa corelez vorbele cu cupiul respectiv. Dupa cateva secunde de scurt-circuit, ma prind: superba asistenta ar fi trebuit sa zica: “Are cineva sa-mi schimbe (bancnota asta) IN doua de 50?” Desi au trecut 4 ani simai bine de la denominare, ea inca gandeste in bancnotele vechi, cand hartiile de 50 lei erau de 500 000 lei si cand, din comoditate, oamenii prescurtau “cinci-sute-de-mii” in cinci sute. Uf, greu e cu nostalgicii astia!

Si cum sanii superbei asistente nu mai sunt langa mine, incep sa imi vina in minte, alaturi de superba asistenta tot felul de pesonaje care m-au pus nu o data in dificultate cu preturile.

“O suta optzeci si doua de mii!” imi spune transpirata vanzatoare de la buticul din colt. Fac ochii mari. 182 000 de lei este aproximativ cifra de afaceri pe 2008 al firmei mele. Si zau nu e putin deloc! Inghet numai la gandul ca trebuie sa dau tot ce am incasat anul trecut pe 3 beri, o paine si o pulpa de pui afumata. Dar imi revin destul de rapid, pentru ca trag cu coada ochiului la afisajul casei de marcat si vad o suma mult mai rezonabila, adica 18,2 lei. Cu mana tremuranda, scot din portofel doua hartii de 10 lei si i le intind femeii. “N-aveti DOUA MII?” contra-ataca ea din nou. Inghet. Doua mii de lei e bugetul meu pe 3 saptamani. Sa dau 2000 de lei pe 3 beri, o paine si o pulpa de pui afumata e ceva mai bine decat 182 000 lei, dar tot e mult. Ma simt ca in fata unor raketi basarabeni care au mai scazut din pretentii, dar care n-au chef sa mai lase nici o centima din cat cer pentru viata mea. “N-am!...” zic eu tremurand. “Lasati, daca nu aveti…” continui, incercand s-o impac pe transpirata vanzatoare. Plec fara sa mai iau rest decat o bancnota de 1 leu.

“500! Hai, ca-i ieftin!” zice macelarul, zambindu-mi si imbiindu-ma sa cumpar frumoasa bucata de un kilogram de muschiulet de vita. Calculez si inghet: la un curs de 4,2 lei per euro, vin cam 120 de euro pentru un kilogram de carne de vita, de PATRU ori mai mult decat cea mai scumpa fleica din Paris, de la macelaria cea mai din centru. “Ah!” imi zic singur zambind. “Stai ca si nenea macelarul gandeste tot in moneda aia care nu mai circula de 5 ani decat in capul lui si ai celor ca el. 500 inseamna de fapt 50 lei, prescurtarea de la 500 000.” Deci, pana la urma, muschiuletul de vita este mai ieftin cu 20 de lei ca la Billa. Deci “bon marchè” ca sa zic asa, deci mult mai ieftin decat la Paris. “Da, multumesc mult!” zic macelarului si ii intind un cupiu de 100 lei. Se uita cu scarba la ea si-mi suiera printre dinti: “Iar sa schimb un milion? Da’ ce-s eu, banca?”

Un milion… adica 100 de lei inca de acum 5 ani. Uf! Ma doare capul! Nu mai pot! Ies in strada si strang din dinti. Imi vine sa cant o manea de dor si jale si denominare.

„Doam-neee de ce m-ai lo-viii-iit?
De ce, offfff, m-ai pedepsi-iit?
Doamne de ce m-ai uitaaaaa-at?
Singurul denominaaa-aaat?”

Merg furios pe strada. Cu capul plecat in jos, ca un taur, gata sa impung. In capul meu se zbat numere nesfarsite, ca niste cobre nervoase, ca niste reptile verzi nascute pe screen save-urile din Matrix. Milioanele si sutele de milioane rad sadic spre mine si isi transforma cozile infinite de zerouri in gloante. Iau in catare pe bietele numere mici de pe langa mine si le ciuruiesc. Vad in jurul meu cifre naturale cazand de pe rafturi impuscate de zerourile-gloante tasnite din mitralierele numerelor nesfarsite, de dinainte de 2005. Vad portretul lui Mugur Isarescu, cu o mustata hitlerista desenata sub nas, rastignit pe o mica spanzuratoare in jurul caruia danseaza preturi astronomice de dinainte de 2005. Vad o factura mai mare, cu o suma totala de genul 123 459 895, 87 lei ca se incovoaie si scoate de nicaieri un chibrit. Il scapara si da foc portretului. Mugur Isarescu dispare mistuit de flacari. Aud iar rasete sinistre si imaginea se topeste in negru, ca la cinematograf.

Aud in mod ciudat vocea lui John Travolta. Imaginea deja neagra se redeschide si vad celebra secventa din Pulp Fiction in care Vincent ii povesteste lui Jules cum a fost in Europa, dar nu in Amsterdam, ci in… Romania.

VINCENT: I mean, they got the same shit over there but it’s a little bit different.
JULES: Example.
VINCENT: Well, you go at Mc Donalds and you ask for a double cheeseburger and a beer. Yeah, they got beer at Mc Donald’s. And you want to pay. And the beautiful girl who is sitting on the countant smiles to you and says like an angel: one hundred fifty.
JULES: What? Wait, they got some other currency, like they got the metric system.
VINCENT: But of course they have a different currency. They called “lei”.
JULES (laughing): Lhh-lhh-lheyyy!
VINCENT: That means “lions”.
JULES: Wahahaha! They pay in “lions”? That’s great! Having a whole bunch of lions in your pocket! That’s so funny! (acting in a different voice) How much costs this beer, Lady? How many “Grrrr!” lions? (with a different pitch) Two lions fifty, Sir! Two lions fifty you said? You mean two big “Grrr!”’s and a sweet “Meoww” for the the last just-a-half-lion you asked for. Wahahaha! That so funny! What is the name of that country?
VINCENT: Romania!
JULES: What does it means? What animal?
VINCENT: It means none, Jules. It’s just a county name. Like France. Or Colorado. It supposes to means none but just defining a region. Forget about it! Just listen to the story.
JULES: Okay… (puffing) “Gimme all’ you lions!” Wahahaha! Gotta go there and rob a bank before I die! Okay, go on with your story!
VINCENT: You go to the bank and change your dollars into lei… (Jules hardly succeed not to lauthing out loud again)… you pleasely realise that one dollar is exactly 3,33 lei. So easy to calculate! That means a 10 lei bill is exactly 3 dollars.
JULES: Wait! That means a 2 dollar bill is exactly 6,66 lei?
VINCENT: That’s right!
JULES: But it’s exactly the number of the beast!?! That’s why they call it lions! Believe me! Wow!
VINCENT: No, Jules. I will explain you later the lei’s etymology. My story is about numbers. It worth the listening so please shut up. It’s like never heard before.
JULES: Go on. Vincent! I was paying attention to the very small detail. Watch me! You were in Bucharest last Summer and you paid for a beer and a double cheeseburger exactly one hundred fifty lions… lei… that’s exactly.. FORTY FIVE dollars?
VINCENT (smiling and savouring the reaction): … see?
JULES: No fucking way!
VINCENT: I got the same reaction!
JULES: You shot the pretty lady right between her beautiful eyes?
VINCENT: No, jules, they don’t have guns there, and killing a human being in daylaight it’s a national tragedy for a week and it’s hard to escape this. But this is not the point. The girl just said 150! This means NOT one hundred fifty lei.
JULES: What? 150 is not 150?
VINCENT: Nope!
JULES: But what?
VINCENT: 150 is the short for 150 THOUSANDS!
JULES: I’m lost!
VINCENT: So was I! 150 means not 150 new lei but 150 000 ancient lei. Before 2005 they got big bills like million, five hundred thousands, one hundred thousands bills.
JULES: This is stupid!
VINCENT: Tell me about it! Romanians are good people, funny, sometimes incredibly smart but tey are nostalgic about everything. Even about something worsten than Yakuza or cancer.
JULES: what on earth could be worst than that?
VINCENT: communism.
JULES: It is that worst?
VINCENT: Yeah man. It erases your head like 6 month of daily heroin cure. It transforms you in a 9 to 5 Frankenstein low tech hard worker. You know, like Korea and China. I mean, how on earth you could be nostalgic about stupid things, like communism or big numbers on bills? But here they are. They have normal bills like us, like one, five, ten, fifty and hundred.
JULES: They don’t have a 20 bill?
VINCENT: No.
JULES: That sucks!
VINCENT: Some. But they have a 200 lei bill. That means…
JULES: 60 dollars… funny bill!
VINCENT: And the biggest bill is 500 lei. That means a hundred fifty dollar bill.
JULES: Pretty big. We should invent in US big bills too.
VINCENT: Definitely. Anyway, if you ever go to Romania you should be aware they speak pretty well English, but they don’t give a shit about the meaning of the words they saying. Like the girl I’m talking about. She said in a perfect English “one hundred fifty”! Imagine me computing in dollars and freezing.
JULES: Fuck! And it was just the short for one hundred fifty THOUSAND old lions!
VINCENT: Exactly!
JULES: Shit!
VINCENT: They really fucked up with their money! The said to me once: just one million!
JULES: WHAT?
VINCENT: For a pair of trousers! Insane, man! They smile at you, sometimes they understand the meaning of past present or continous present but they keep smiling when saying “one hundred” to the 10 lei bill and “five hundreds” to the 50 lei bill. That’s worst than thinking in meters and kilometers and kilograms! I mean, “Fuck you, good people of Romania! You ask me one dollar for every 3,33 of your lei, fair enough! Speak in that goddamit new currency to me! I shouldn’t be aware of your twisted way of naming things. You are the single contry of the universe saying “100” instead 10 to a 10 bill! You look at the bill, you see the number printed on it and you say a totally different number! What’s that? You should be hospitalized!
JULES: Geee! … do you think this thing is because the vapires?
VINCENT: Vampirism is just an English story about that country. Bram Stoker never travelled there… Okay, pull over. This is the building.
JULES: Right! We got some job to do here…

“Gata, poti sa nu mai strangi acum! Scuipa si clateste! Ai voie sa bei orice, numai sa nu bei cafea sau cola sau vin rosu ca se coloreaza lucrarea si te costa alte 3 milioane!... (zambeste) Adica… 300 de lei! Dracu’ sa le ia de milioane ca parca suntem niste prosti! Tot vorbim in banii aia vechi de parca suntem hipnotizati!... Gata, s-a terminat cu ei!... Sa vii si saptamana viitoare sa ne uitam putin si la caninul ala, da?”

3 comentarii:

  1. Stii cine vorbeste by default in lei noi(care nu mai sunt noi de ceva vreme)? Strainii. Ei privesc la bancnote si citesc.Citesc bonul de la casa, si e mai simplu decat credeam. Pentru ei un euro este in mod firesc 4,2-4,3 lei. Poate ca ar trebui sa ne resetam un pic si sa privim catre bancnotele din portofel si catre facturi si bonuri. Nimic mai mult. Una peste alta tot sunt bune si nostalgiile oamenilor... te inspira sa scrii asa cum imi place mie, razand si zambind tamp in fata unui monitor pixelat... Abia astept urmatoarea poveste!

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  2. Tatal meu care ma certi aci pe net !

    Iarta mie indiferenta fata exprimarea in RON sau LEI cu voie si fara de voie si nu ma lasa sa cad in indiferenta fata de adevaratele valori.
    Ajutane pe noi sai trezim sau sai trimitem in opozitie pe cei de sus, precum la alegeri asa si inainte de a termina mandatul.
    Ca a noastra e puterea aci pe net si nu a ta.
    Din partea ratacitului, pacatosului, iubitorului tau fiu neuronos@yahoo.com, logoff.

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  3. Bine, neuronos!... Da' sa stii ca denominarea s-a facut acum aproape 5 ani si banii aia mari nu se mai intorc.

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